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Home Alone Games/Transcript
Video Here ---------------------------------------------------------------\/ [Text in brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen] Jon: Hey, guys, quick announcement before you watch the video. This Home Alone video's going up a little bit earlier than it would. I know it's a bit weird 'cause we just launched the site, but due to some odd circumstances the next 2 JonTron videos are gonna go to YouTube and Normal Boots at the same time, but when it gets to March again, it's Normal Boots exclusive. So for now! (Intro) (Title card) (Fades to a fireplace playing on Jon's television, cuts to another television with red bows on it, then to two of Jon's plush dolls sitting on the top of the couch amidst the Christmas lighting on it, pans up towards the two's Christmas stockings on the wall and then finally to Jon taking an egg out of a carton, cracking it on a martini glass and then pouring it into the glass) Jon: '''Mmm...nothing like the smell of nog on Christmas eve, eh, Jacques? '''Jacques: That's racist. Jon: This year, I'm gettin' nuts. Every other year I play it safe. Not this year. I'm getting nuts. Jacques: Hell, yeah, boy. Let's do this. Time to get nuts. Jon: You feel me? You feelin' me on this? (Jacques' literally '''eating a nut, well at least struggling on eating it) '''Jon: You know, it never really struck me before, but I'm starting to think there's a pretty big species divide between you and I. Very, very different interpretations on what "getting nuts" means. Now, some grandmothers are known to be on the same level, gettin' a roasted nut or two for the holidays. But this raw shit, that's nuts. Jacques: Oopsie. Jon: You like nuts, Jacques? I'll show you how to cook up a nut. (Jon take out a pan, pours some nuts, breaks two eggs, mixes them into the nuts and adds cinnamon) Jon: '''You smell that? It's pure! It's Christmas '''spirit. ♫ I see friends shakin' ♫ (The nuts pop, startling Jon)--J--J--Jesus...! ... ♫ Singin', howdy do ♫ (The nuts pop again)--Fuck!! (Green smoke starts coming out of the nuts accompanied by a skull) Jon: ...You smell that? It smells like the Hamptons in January! Heh heh heh...fresh fish comin'...fresh off the water... (It seems the smoke is toxic) Jon (deep tone): (drops the pan) You won't miss me when I'm gone... (Cuts to a neo-psychedelic sequence filmed from the camera's POV, where Jon stumbles around the house, knocking his stocking off of the wall, marks December 24th on his calendar and finally falls into bed) (Black screen) Jon: (coughs, wakes up, wipes spit off his face) (sits up) It's Christmas! (Jon goes to the kitchen) Come on, Jacques, we got Christmas to do. (Jacques appears to be a skeleton) Jon: You doin', uh... you doin' alright there? ...You look, uh...you look a little different. (The nuts, still on the stove start popping again) Jon: AH! What is it with these fucking nuts?!! (the ghost of Macaulay Culkin rises from the pan) Jon: '''Macaulay? Is that you? '''Macaulay: That's me! I'm here to tell you it's not too late! You still have a chance! Jon: Jesus, what happened to your face? You doing alright? Macaulay: I'm dead. Jon: I mean honestly, seeing you in interviews, you seem like a great guy. You just got a bit of a corpse face. Macaulay: Jon, It's January 25th! You slept for a month! You slept through Christmas and starved your bird out! Jon: Alright, Kronos, if I'm expected to believe it's January 25th, then why does my calendar say it's December 25th? Anno Domini, Year of our lord, bitch! (kicks the bottom of the stove) (the calendar page falls down, revealing that it is January 25th) Jon: ...Uh-oh. Macaulay: By the way, I'm trying to help you here! I'm gonna go ahead and ignore how hurtful that last statement was about the "corpse face", and help you undo this thing. I shouldn't help, I shouldn't. But I'm gonna, I'm a good person, I didn't do that much drugs! And my dad stole my money! The only way to bring your dead friend back is to find a good game from the Home Alone franchise. Which is--there's a lot of them, so good luck. I need it--please help me now. I got a couple-two-tree pokies on me and a few late car payments. (Holds up a car bill) Find the game, please. (He tosses Jon the NES cartridge for Home Alone) Start your search for answers here. Jon: (holds up the cartridge) Home Alone 1 on the NES? You know how many hours of my life you wasted with th-- (Macaulay is gone) (Shows the Home Alone DVD cover) Jon (narrating): ''Home Alone, a franchise based entirely off ''this face. Jon: (Holding the DVD cover) See, this one's a classic, they knew what they were doing. (Points to the DVD cover) First one's got the face. Jon (narrating): Second one got away from the face, y--you can't get away from the face. Third one didn't have the face and that's why Jonathan Taylor Thomas or whoever the fuck this is didn't have such a good time. Around number four, they realized what they were doing wrong, they got the face back, got the face going, ratings skyrocketed, but see, the problem with this one is they got Ernest in this one. I mean, what are--what are they trying to do? Bring him back from the dead? That's disrespectful. ERNEST YOU WILL'' NOT'' BE DISRESPECTED Jon: '(Holds the DVD for ''Home Alone: The Holiday Heist) Five, though, oh...that's this one, it's a classic one. The Holiday Heist, look at that, look at that face!! (kisses the DVD) '''Jon (narrating): It's byoutiful!! Jon: (blows kisses) This one's for The Criterion Collection! They even got Malcolm McDowell. I'm sure they walked up to him, they didn't even have to do some explaining, he said, "I--I'm Malcolm McDowell, I--I've worked with the greatest, I've worked with Kubrick, I've been in Clockwork Orange. Get the fuck out of my house, you ask me if I do Holiday Heist, would--would you ask me, 'Do you want the best caviar on the planet?' You don't ask a man a question like that! Get the fuck out of my mansion!" Jon (narrating): The later Home Alone films were just cash-ins on the series, but the first two were actually really good films. They were written by John Hughes, directed by Chris Columbus, who would go on to make the first two Harry Potter films, hilariously, the guy only goes in twos, and the music was composed by the one and only John Williams! Jon: So naturally, they made a bunch of games to capitalize on the hype. Do any of them stand to capture the childlike and whimsical essence of the films? Let's find out, because apparently that's the first step to getting my bird back according to the actor of the titular films, Macaulay Culkin. (whispering) Where is that pasty-ass skeletor motherfucker, is he getting his ectoplasm on my toothbrush...? I swear to fuckin' god... (Home Alone (NES) title screen) Jon (narrating): 'Let's take a look at ''Home Alone 1 for the NES first. (Game's opening credits) What...? This game is made by Bethesda? Like...Skyrim Bethesda? (Shows Bethesda's Wikipedia page of game lists, zooming in on Home Alone (1991) for the NES) Yeah, it actually is! The same Bethesda that made Skyrim and Fallout 3 made Home Alone 1 for the NES. Weird... In this game, unsurprisingly, you play as Kevin. And, uh, you wander around your house without parents, I guess. I mean, c'mon, you gotta give them some credit, that's pretty true to the film's core message. Ah, look at this, they got people walking by! I didn't know they had A.I. street tech in the 19--''OH JESUS, HE'S IN MY HOUSE!'' Okay, so that's terrifying. In the movies, the villans are in it for the valuables, but here they only seem interested in Kevin...where's Chris Hansen and that suspiciously benign plate of cookies when you need him? (Cuts to a short clip from the To Catch A Predator episode "Michael Willis") '''Michael Willis: You know what? I don't want this cookie. I just want to get to the beach... Chris Hansen: Come here, just one second... (Cuts back to the gameplay, where Kevin is captured, cutting to the game over screen which just says "Oh no!") Jon (narrating): Ah, yeah. That's just--that's just about right. That's appropriate. A boy is captured and will likely be found dead in the coming weeks, and all you got is "Oh no". ...It's good, it's got a good message. (A newspaper appears with horrifying music playing, with the headline reading "BOY FOUND IN SHALLOW GRAVE" and the picture being the "Oh no!" game over screen) So the point of the game--and I'm being generous here with that statement--seems to be walk around, pick up random objects, and place them as traps to halt the kidnappers. I can barely tell what's going on in this game, we got stuff like spider, toy car...what's this? Potato? Did I just pick up a fucking potato to stop robbers? Oh, well there's the light bulb for it at least, that's good! Now I can knock 'em out with my impressive science skills! BRINKS NEW HOME POTATO SECURITY! Are those...are those nails? Why can't I pick these up? There are real robbers in my house, there are real hardened criminals in my house and about! I'm pretty sure nails would be infinitely more useful than potato. (Kevin's sprite does a moonwalk) Hm...I see Michael Jackson made such a big impact to Macaulay Culkin that they put the moonwalk in the game. Heh heh... Let's grab the spider 'cause, you know, that's not completely terrifying or anything. (a man approaches Kevin's sprite) Oh shit, put it down, put it down, put it down--! (Kevin puts it down) Oh, yeah! (Kevin's sprite does the moonwalk again) Jon: Did I just trip up that robber...with a spider...and then do a moonwalk? (drops controller) THAT'S IT! THIS IS THE BEST GAME EVER! CUE THE SONG AND DANCE! (pops open bottle to have a rainbow come out, and the entire screen gets filled with a rainbow as Jon drinks and Kevin's sprite dances while chiptune dance music plays in the background) Jon (narrating): Okay, even though this is clearly just, mm, ah, one of the most sublime games ever created, I'm gonna go ahead and try to nitpick a bit. I think I'll start with WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH ANYTHING?! The perspective is completely bonkers! What's going on? What's this? What am I standing on? Is that my house? Is--is that another house across the street or is that a subterrainian lair? Jon: Home Alone? W--well, this is more akin to a Mobius strip! Jon (narrating): '''It's like a Klein bottle up in here...you better, uh--fill it up with hot tar, pour it on those pesky intruders! '''Jon: If that wasn't enough for you and your entire lineage, (holds up the cartridge for Home Alone 2: Lost In New York for NES) they also made Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. (Swirling 8 bit music plays) Jon: 'This music's giving me a fever dream of Macaulay Culkin's goddamn gremlin head...(it appears) ah! Get it outta here! "In memory of Tom Heidt." Poor bastard...the last thing this guy worked on in his life, all the things he did, just funneled down to ''Home Alone 2 on the NES. For his sake, I hope it's better than Home Alone 1. (Cutscenes) I guess this is supposed to be Tim Curry's character, given that he plays the concierge that's after Kevin in the movie. Mm, Tim, you've been eating your vegetables? You don't look yourself... (Shows a comparison between the cutscene sprite and the actual character) Literally...at all. So, right off the bat, this game's a lot better than the last one. Take that for what you will. At least you're just dealing with left and right. (A math equation fades in) No theoretical physics in this version. But that doesn't mean they put much thought into it. As you can see, they've gone into painstaking detail to recreate Kevin McCallister's signature goiter hump. You can almost smell the ointment! '''Jon: I dunno, waddya put on goiter? SAAAAAAAAALVE?! (silence) (begins rubbing arm) SAA-- Jon (narrating): Well, let's not forget the real star of the show, the fact that you can pull this shit! (Kevin's sprite slides on his knees) YEAAAAAH! Pete Townshend! Risky Business! End of Platoon! (Silence) ...RISKY BUSINESS AGAIN! This game is goddamn madness. Everything wants to kill you just for the street cred. Possessed luggage, Frankenstein's monster, bloody mops, even HHOITCHES! Who's running this hotel? The Aaaaaadams family? Let me tell ya, in my experience, there are only two kind of old ladies can move like that: retired Russian Olympians and HHOITCHES! Jon: You see that right there?! That's a parabola. Now only a witch can pull of a parabola of this nature. Jon (narrating): I think this establishment's got bigger problems on its hands than Kevin McCallister running around with a fake credit card. The main point of this game seems to be to make a mad dash to the end of the level. But when you get there, the elevator doors are closed. I don't know what to do. You can get these, uh, what appear to be a necklace of pearls. I guess we might as well try to take out some of the enemies with it. Maybe that'll lead us in the right direction. (Kevin drops the pearls in front of an old lady) Bam! (nothing happens) Ah, well, okay. That didn't do anything. 'Kay, I guess it's more of a trap than a projectile...gotta use the ol' McCallister wits here. Come here, Chubby Checker! Time to do the twist! (Kevin drops the pearls, and the NPC just walks over them, this is scene played again with sad music) Jon (narrating): '''He just walked right over my beads like it was nothing. Yeah, I hate this game, it doesn't even let me have fun when I try... This game automatically goes on my shitlist because ''keys kill you''! What kind of sadism is this? These are deeply rooted conventions, man, you don't mess with this stuff! EMOTION And this game came out way after things like Legend of Zelda, alright? They had time! It turns out you're actually supposed to bang on the elevator button a bunch of times to get the elevator to come. Which I guess is about accurate...I mean, usually when you're trying to call an elevator you just do it like.. (Cuts to Jon's finger repeatedly pressing an elevator button) This is a video game, though, how was I supposed to know I had to wait for the elevator?? This isn't some experimental indie game! It gave me no indication it was even coming. '''Jon: (Holds up the cartridge for Home Alone on the SNES) Let's move on to the SNES. That's one of my favorite systems. There's gotta be a good Home Alone game on that. Jon (narrating): Ahh, that's better already. Decent graphics, and at least it plays like an actual video game. Whoa, hold up. Look at that giant emerald ring on the dresser over there. You could pawn that off and buy Kenya! It's no wonder people are trying to rob this guy's house all the time. Okay, first off, who--who is this cartoon mobster here and why does no one care that he's in my house? Is he just a weird family member? Is he my dad? Is that--is that my game dad? Also, I'd just like to point out that this bowling ball placement is exquisite. (Jon listens to the sound effect the squirter gun makes blissfully) (Shows the scene slowed down with the sound effect with a psychedelic wallpaper superimposed over it) Jon (narrating): So, basically the point of this fun kids SNES game is to run around and collect valuables from your house and when you collect them, deposit them into these safes which drop the items into a...sex dungeon? What is the significance of this? Is that a giant vault in their basement? Who has a giant vault in their basement?! I really have no idea why I'm supposed to do this. I--I can't figure it out! If you- If you- IF YOU CAN'T--FIGURE OUT HOW TO PLAY HOME ALONE 1 ON THE SNES RIGHT AWAY...WHAT--IT'S BAD! It's--redo the game! Throw it out! REDO THE FUCKING GAME! Also, for some reason, every item you deposit always turns into a candelabra. Was Liberachi the executive producer for this game or something? Seriously, why? I'm picking up emerald rings, sacks of money, but it always turns into a golden candelabra. WHY DOES IT ALWAYS TURN INTO A CANDELABRA?! NO! Okay, seriously...you're gonna tell me that a community of right minded adults made a game about a 10-year-old boy, and then decided that the best course of action would be to have the game over screen be a naked picture of him?! Let it be known that this is actually the only part in the movie where he touches his face and screams, and it's when he is applying nakedly after-shave applying it! Oh-ho-ho! Looks like they caught old Kevin after all. SAID IT, MARV! Jon: His tricks and toy cars weren't enough to keep the fully grown robbers with more developed brains at bay! (Silence) (The horrifying music returns with a black and white version of the previous cutscene zoomed in and the typewriter-styled text "MISSING SINCE 1992" scrolling across the screen) Jon: 'Is there a single good ''Home Alone ''thing'' after Home Alone 2 the movie? Exception of course episode 5 Holiday Heist, uh--highly regarded as the Strikes Back of the series, of course. '''Jon (narrating): Certainly not the Game Boy version. It's really just the same thing as the SNES version but with a few marked improvements that I'll go over right now. For one thing, when you shoot the mobster he turns into Michael Jackson Moonwalker! (A 16 bit version of Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson plays) Still got that bowling ball, though, that's how you know it's authentic. Jon: 'Maybe there's hope in ''Home Alone 2 for the SNES... ♫ But probably not no hope in here, probably ain't no hope for the life of everyone! ♫ '''Jon (narrating): This is exactly the same game as the one for the NES, but this one has much better JPEG. You can tell by the fact that Tim Curry looks like he has less jaundice in this one. But unfortunately they didn't find out how to make him look like Tim Curry yet. Oh my god, I think they literally just cut out Joe Pesci's head and pasted it on this cartoon body! Look at the clipping on the peacoat! And don't get me started on Daniel Stern here, he looks like he's trying to cork out a hard shit he's been brewing in his ass for a couple of weeks. Most everything here is the same, bar the graphical upgrade. Except this lady's different. Also, I think this bear is trippin' balls with that dog down there. That is the face of someone who's seein' some shit. Jon: I don't know what I'm gonna do! Not even a single one of these games could be considered passable! Who made these?? ...who would pay money to make these?! ...Shit! (Jon stands up) WAIT! ...there is...one more game. The rarest game of them all, only released in Europe for the PlayStation 2. (Zooms in on the cover for Home Alone for PlayStation 2 in Jon's cabinet) That's like 10 years newer than the SNES! They must've figured out how to make a good Home Alone game by then, I mean, they fucked up every other time, you can only fuck up so many times before someone fires you! Let's do this...I got to save my best friend! (20th Century Fox logo plays) Jon (narrating): Aw, yeah, the 20th Century Fox logo...you always know you're in for something good when you see that. (The game's copyright info is shown and then the loading screen comes up, showing a childish drawing of Kevin) Oh...OH!! I--are you serious?! ...Is that something that someone who calls themself a professional artist actually made and handed to their boss and the boss went, "Yeah, that looks good. Do that." bad at life (Title screen) Oh my god! This isn't some sort of hacked game, this is a real game with real box art and real money that was exchanged by real people to really fucking own it! On Playstation 2! Oh my god, this looks like something you'd see an 11 year old post on DeviantArt. (Shows the menu) Look at this house. Now--look at this house bordering the text. I could literally make this in Photoshop in like 2 minutes tops. Here, no, I'll do it. I'll do it right now. (A Photoshop drawing of the house appears and has E=MCBoobs written on it] I did it. I literally--I literally made the exact same thing. With a mouse. And zero experience in art. Don't you remember these iconic characters from the film? ...Kelly? Carl? Carly? My...my favorite scene with them was this one. (clips of loud explosions appear) What is this? What am I doing? I'm alone, but I'm not in a home. I'm in some botanical garden. Also, why is this taking place during summer? Did anyone on this, and I use this phrase loosely, team of developers watch the film before sitting down and making the game? I know they had to put it together in one whole weekend but, damn, son! That is some serious commitment to being unfaithful to your source material! You spend more time in this game walking around locking doors than you do laying traps for the bad guys. (Shows the pause menu) 'Scuse me, you can turn the effects down in this game? ...w''hat effects?'' This game has effects that you can turn off? So basically you go around attempting to attack the two burglars with various things you find laying around. My personal favorite is the spider. Because you just throw a fucking spider at them! Y--you just throw another living being at their face! I can't believe this is a real game! It's no wonder they didn't release this game outside of Europe. The box art, the... I--I-- I mean no exaggeration by this, the BOX ART is literally the best part about this game! How did this happen? No, seriously! How did this game happen?! It was released in 2006, that's like 10 years after Home Alone was even relevant anymore! Why did anyone opt to make this game?! Was there some sort of interdimensional being they had to keep at bay by making a new Home Alone game? Jon: Well, I guess that's it, I'll never see Jacques again...there's not a single redeemable game in this ENTIRE LIBRARY!! ...wait a second...I can see clearly now the rain has gone... (Jon scrambles for his computer, and a matrix background appears on it with various Home Alone game covers floating by while he types frantically. Mind Heist by Zack Hemsey plays in the background.) Jon (narrating): Come on, come on...I--I must've missed something, I mean, there were so many different competing companies back in the 90s that-- (The Sega logo appears on the monitor) Jon: That's it! Home Alone for Sega Genesis! Jon (narrating): Well, this may be one of the first times that the Sega versions of the game are better than their SNES counterparts. But the Home Alone games on Sega are pretty sweet! At least compared to the horror that I just witnessed... Tight graphics, novel gameplay...Kevin looks and controls just as you'd expect him to. And you know what? In the case of 2'', this is a pretty accurate representation of New York City as far as the Sega Genesis goes! (Jon walks into the kitchen) '''Jon:' I found it! Macaulay, wake up! (shakes the pot still full of nuts) Come on! Wake up! Come on... (starts banging the pot with the cartridge Home Alone on Sega Genesis) get out that stove corn! ...shit, I hallucinated all that, didn't I...? (End) Category:Transcripts